


Falling Out

by keunsbride



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Break Up, F/M, Long-Distance Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:06:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25358191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keunsbride/pseuds/keunsbride
Summary: Maybe, that's the problem. When you two are accustomed to being an earphone's length away, you'll find yourselves being ruined once you have to be apart.
Kudos: 2





	Falling Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yanie/mysyanie](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Yanie%2Fmysyanie).



> Commissioned by Yanie/mysyanie on Twitter

When other people share their love stories, they usually begin with the very first time they met. Sasabihin nilang may sparks sa unang beses pa lang nilang nagkita ng significant other nila. 'Yun ang wala kami ni Ken. So, maybe, our relationship was a wrong choice from the very beginning.

For more than half of our first-year college life, we ignored each other's existence. Wala akong pakialam sa kanya at, tingin ko, ganoon din naman siya sa akin. Ken was this bad boy presence in school. Taong banda, maraming babaeng may gusto, may mga bisyo. I wasn't into that. I was too busy juggling my academics and extracurriculars to fall for the likes of him.

Then, one day, my friends invited me to go with them to the college acquaintaince party.

"Dali na, Yanie. Tapos na naman ang exams eh, magse-second year na tayo, tapos lalo lang tayong magiging busy," pamimilit sa'kin ng kaibigan kong si Gine. 

"'Di ba sabi mo gusto mong maranasan to kahit minsan? Oh. This is it!" sabi naman ni Ali sabay kapit sa braso ko.

"Ayoko. Kakatapos lang ng exams. Gusto kong matulog." I gently shook her arm off. 

"Thirty minutes," sabi ni Gine.

I gave her a weird look. What does she mean?

"Sasaglit lang tayo doon ng thirty minutes tapos aalis din," paliwanag niya.

That was how I ended up at the party where Ken's band was playing that night.

Nainis ako sa dami ng mga taong maya't mayang nakakabangga sa akin. Unang limang minuto pa lang, gusto ko nang umalis. Hindi ko naman hilig uminom sa ganitong set-up kaya wala akong ma-enjoy sa lugar na 'yun. When the bands started playing, I found myself in the crowd there, silently watching. The music quickly drowned all the noise around me.

Five minutes before my thirty minutes was up, someone familiar went up the stage.

"Hello po," bati ni Ken. He looked just like he did in school— printed shirt (not the Hawaiian kind), skinny black jeans, and Converse hi-tops.

The people around me began to mumble, but I didn't know what was up. Maybe it was because he had a strong stage presence? I wondered.

"Sorry. Alam ko pong hindi pa set ng banda namin— ang Eight Thirty Eight— pero kailangan ko lang po talagang isingit itong performance na 'to kasi yung taong kailangang makarinig nito ay baka aalis din," he said breathily, na para bang may nanghahabol sa kanya.

Their drummer tested out the drums for a bit and then it was showtime.

Hawakan mo ang aking kamay

At tayong dalawa'y

Maghahasik ng kaligayahan

Bitawan mo'ng unang salita

Ako ay handa nang tumapak sa lupa

In fairness, I thought to myself, maganda pala talaga ang boses nito. He sang so soulfully, too. No wonder many girls were attracted to him. The crowd clapped for them after their song and so did I, but unlike what Ken promised that they just had to sing one song, he stayed onstage.

"That song," he raised a finger to ask for a moment to breathe.

"That song is for this girl I've been thinking of perhaps too much lately," sabi niya.

Bigla na lang sumulpot sa tabi ko si Gine. Tapos na raw ang trenta minutos. Susunod na sana ako nang marinig kong sabihin ni Ken ang pangalan ko.

"Yanie."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Ako? Bakit? Anong ginawa ko?

"I have a crush on you."

Before things could even become messier for me, I fled the place like a 2010s Cinderella, but without leaving any trace for Ken to find.

Sa susunod na pasukan, limot na ang lahat, or so I thought. After the first day of school, I found Ken waiting outside our classroom.

"Yanie, pwede ba kitang makausap?" tanong niya.

"Sige na nga," sabi ko— pilit— para matapos na lahat. I hate dragging things on, especially unnecessary things like this.

Dinala niya ako sa tahimik na school rooftop. Umupo kami sa may bench doon. Hindi ko siya tinignan o kinibo ng ilang minuto, pero nang hindi rin siya nagsalita, nagtanong na ako.

"Hindi mo naman ako pinagtitripan, ano?" tanong ko. Mabuti na yung sigurado.

"Hindi!" agad namang sagot niya. "Totoo nga."

"Bakit ako?" tanong ko pa. Hindi naman kasi ako yung tipong crush ng bayan kaya curious talaga ako kung bakit niya ako nagustuhan. Isa pa, tingin ko may iba pang mga babae sa campus na mas babagay sa kanya.

"Kasi hindi ka parang sila." He must be pertaining to the other girls at school. "Ewan ko. Ayaw mo sa'kin, kaya ako nagkagusto sa'yo."

Napatawa ako sa sinabi niya. "Loko-loko ka rin, 'no?"

Tumingin siya sa'kin, nakakunot noo.

Napailing ako at tumingin sa lupa at, sumunod, sa mga mata niya. "Paano 'yan, hindi kita gusto."

That was what I thought. Would you actually believe a guy like him would be a relentless suitor? 

He courted me every day, always going the extra mile. I gave him a chance because of that. Sabi ko, I'll give him a week to be my boyfriend, like a free trial of sorts. I was shocked to see how much he took it seriously. He stopped smoking and partying every night and even began studying as hard as he could. He changed to be my ideal guy.

As it turned out, I was a sucker for that— someone who would bend rivers for me. 

In the middle of the school year, I finally talked to him. I took him to the rooftop. We sat on the same bench as before. 

"Ano nga yung title noong kinanta mo noong gabing yun?" tanong ko. I have genuinely been wondering what the song was, but I could not remember the lyrics correctly so I could not look it up. My friends could not recognize the tune either.

He seemed not to have expected that question. "Kay Tagal Kitang Hinintay. Sponge Cola."

"Ah." Nilabas ko ang phone ko at tsaka ito sinearch sa Youtube para pakinggan, pero in-offer sakin ni Ken ang isang earphone niya.

"Ito," sabi niya lang.

Mabagal ko itong inabot at nilagay sa aking tenga. Ipinlay niya naman ang kanta.

Our relationship began just like that. I never thought falling for him would be as easy as breathing. Ni hindi ko namalayang nahulog na ako.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable around him and vice-versa. Hindi pa man natapos ang school year na 'yun, we already became official. We were a steady couple throughout college, too. Who would've thought two seemingly incompatible people would be great together? 

But maybe having to pull an LDR after being so used to always being together would really ruin everything. After college, I went to Manila for better work opportunities while Ken stayed in the province to prepare for his boards.

Okay naman noong una. We managed. I was fortunate enough to get into a job in Manila that was aligned with my course. Noong una, gabi-gabi pa rin kaming magkausap ni Ken. Ang saya-saya lang naming nagkukwentuhan noon ng tungkol sa kung-anu-ano. Madalas rin akong umuwi noon, to spend time with him.

We would always grab some ice cream. We would sneak into school and spend time on the same bench where our relationship began.

Madalas, tahimik lang kaming nakaupo, pinaghahatian ang earphones na nakasalpak sa kanyang phone.

Matapos ang Hanap-Hanap ng JaDine, tumugtog ang kantang Pangarap Lang Kita ng Parokya ni Edgar. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata para damhin ang kanta pero sa kalagitnaan ay itinigil ito ni Ken.

"Bakit?" Medyo inis kong tinanong. Nandoon na ko eh, sa happy place na kanta lang ang nakapagdadala sa akin.

"Yanie, anong mga pangarap mo?" biglang tinanong ni Ken.

Hindi ko na kailangang mag-isip. Mula pa pagkabata, kabisado ko na ang isasagot sa tanong na 'yun.

"I want to be the best teacher in the whole world," I answered confidently, with a smile that showcased my pearly whites.

Tumango-tango naman siya, nakangiti sa akin. Alam kong naniniwala siya sa kakayahan ko. He was there every step of the way, cheering for me.

"Ikaw?" tanong ko, kahit pa alam ko na ang sagot.

Pero hindi ang inaasahan ko ang sinabi niya. 

"I just want to be yours forever," sambit niya.

Kinilig naman ako pero pilit ko itong hindi pinakita. I scrunched up my nose. "Cheesy mo!"

He laughed at me as if, between the two of us, I was the one who was not being realistic. 

"Pero 'di nga?" tanong ko ulit kalaunan. "Anong pangarap mo?"

"Yun nga," giit niya pa rin. Naiinis ako kapag ngumingiti siya kasi kahit anong pilit kong maging matatag, bumibigay ako. "At maging band vocalist ng isang sikat na banda balang-araw."

I gave him a reassuring smile. "And you will get exactly that."

"Basta ha, next weekend, punta ka. Tutugtog kami sa fiesta," paalala niya. It was his band's first time to land a gig that would give them an audience of more than a hundred people. To him, it was crucial that I was there. 

Tumango naman ako. "Oo naman. Malakas ka sa'kin eh."

I never made it that weekend. I got held up at work so I apologized to Ken repeatedly about it. Ang sabi niya naman, okay lang. Naiintindihan niya. But as I made more steps to further my career, I may have left Ken where he remained still, in the province, waiting for me.

I got busier as I got promoted to a higher position within a year. It took a lot of things from me, but I was okay with it. Pangarap ko naman eh, sabi ko. I completely forgot that my relationship with Ken was beginning to take huge blows, too. I began to have less time to spend with him. I slept through his calls, even falling asleep during video calls. Kalaunan, bumalik na rin siya sa paninigarilyo niya at pag-inom.

It sparked arguments. Nagalit ako sa kanya dahil unti-unti niyang sinisira yung sarili niya. Isinumbat niya rin sa akin yung pagkawala ko.

"Videocall date, Yanie, 'yun na nga lang ang hinihiling ko, hindi mo pa rin ba maibigay?" sigaw niya sa kabilang linya.

"Wala nga akong oras, Ken. Ilang beses ko bang kailangang sabihin sa'yo 'yun?" sagot ko naman. Tears were already falling down my cheeks then. I was so frustrated. 

Napakarami ko nang problema noon na hindi ko masabi kay Ken. Ubos na ubos ako sa trabaho, hindi ko na alam kung gusto ko pa ba yung ginagawa ko, wala na akong time para sa sarili ko, and then this. Him. 

"Then find time!" sumbat niya. Umiiyak na rin siya sa kabilang linya. "Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?"

That was when it first struck me. Baka nga hindi na. Baka nga sa hinaba ng panahong magkalayo kaming dalawa, nawala na yung ako na nagmahal sa kanya at nawala na rin yung siya na minahal ko.

"I love you," I said in a whisper, kahit hindi na ako naniniwala sa sinasabi ko.

"Pero kailangan ko ring iangat yung career ko," sabi ko pa kahit hindi na rin talaga ako sigurado. 

"It's for our future." Another lie. Why was it getting easier and easier to lie? "Sorry, Ken, but maybe we should cool off?"

We were like that for a long time, on and off. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano namin nagawa 'yun. On my end, maybe it was comforting, like Ken is a piece of my happier past I had hold of, even if he has changed. 

I don't know how I managed to stay in a lukewarm relationship for two more years, but like anything that is bound to end, it just had to end— in ruins.

"Ken," I finally mustered up enough courage one day as we sat on the bench at our alma mater's rooftop. I removed my end of his earphones which played a song by Callalily. "Let's break up."

He looked at me as if he thought he only imagined what I just said. Kumunot ang noo niya. "What?"

"I said let's break up," inulit ko, loud and clear this time. Hindi ako pwedeng umurong ngayon. Ang tagal ko nang gustong gawin 'to at humanap lang talaga ako ng tiempo. Ito na 'yun.

"Why?" tanong niya sakin. It was as if he had no clue at all.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. Lumabas na nang kusa lahat ng emosyong tinago ko sa dalawang taong hindi na ako naging masaya sa relasyon namin.

"Can't you see, Ken? We're not happy anymore," sabi ko. 

"It's like we're only staying in this relationship because we're so used to it," dagdag ko pa.

"Yanie naman," may kaba sa boses niya, "masaya pa ako sa'yo."

I knew it was a lie. We didn't even see each other for the past five months. Our calls were even shorter than before and I did not think that was possible. We would have barely said our hellos when one of us would get busy or fall asleep. Gawain ba 'yun ng dalawang taong masaya pa sa isa't isa?

Maya-maya pa ay lumuhod si Ken sa harapan ko. Nagulat ako sa ginawa niyang ito. I stood up, wanting to leave, but he suddenly hugged my legs.

"Yanie, how can I make up for it?" he asked, now sobbing. 

Naaawa akong tingnan ang lalaking dati kong minahal na nasasaktan nang ganoon, pero kailangan na ring mangyari nito. Ang tagal tagal nang dapat nangyari ito.

"Anong kailangan kong gawin, ha? Gusto mo… gusto mo ba samahan kita sa Manila? Maghahanap ako ng trabaho doon," sabi niya.

Napaluha ako dahil alam kong hindi ito ang makakapagpasaya sa kanya at dahil din wala nang makakapag-ayos sa amin. At this point, trying to fix our relationship is like trying to piece together a glass cup that has been thoroughly shattered. No matter how much we try, it will never be the same again. We would just be wasting our efforts.

"Ken," sabi ko, sabay hawak sa balikat niya, "tumayo ka."

With my help, he managed to pull himself up, but he kept his gaze on the ground. Sa lupa na pumatak ang tuloy-tuloy niyang mga luha.

"Ken, it's time we focus on ourselves," I said as I still held him by the arms for support. "Sinisira na lang natin ang isa't isa eh."

"We don't deserve this," dagdag ko pa.

"Maghiwalay na tayo, Ken," I finally said, tears now falling uncontrollably from my eyes. 

"Maghiwalay na tayo, ha? Okay?" sabi ko sa pagitan ng mga hikbi.

It took him a while to respond, but he nodded. Sa huling pagkakataon, niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit.

"I love you and I will always be rooting for you," sabi ko sa kanya habang nakayakap. I meant every word I said.

A short while later, I felt him gulp. 

"Ako rin," mahina niyang sagot.

Finally, I retreated from the hug. I took my bag from the ground and began to walk away. Maybe, that's the problem. When you two are accustomed to being an earphone's length away, you'll find yourselves being ruined once you have to be apart. But then, that is just me trying to put the blame on something, when there is no else to blame but us. 

It took me that long to realize that it did not matter how long we were together, how much we used to love each other, or how comfortable with each other we have become. Nakalimutan naming isipin na dapat magkatugma rin ang mga pangarap namin. Kasi kung hindi, sa dulo, mayroon talagang isa saming maiiwan at isang kakailanganing mang-iwan.


End file.
